BY LAURA JANE
A little while ago I ran into him on the street. I wasn't wearing sunglasses and so had no way of pretending not to see him. He waved me down and I took out my headphones. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I was going to buy some groceries and he said "Oh, yeah?" and I said "Yeah, that's just a thing I do sometimes" and he laughed like I had said something very funny. I told him I quit Starbucks and he was like "I'm unemployed too" and at that moment whatever 0.1% of me that had any interest in him at all dissipated entirely; I was only after him for his money. If he were a banker I would have let him take me out for one meal once and then I wouldn't have let him kiss me. He asked me how old I was and I said "Older than I look" which came out kinda sexy but really I said it because I am ashamed of my age in relation to how recently I worked at Starbucks. He said "Yeah, me too" and then I looked at his face and almost started laughing out loud because he looked SO OLD!!! So he must be, like, 43!!! And he's unemployed!!! HA! Imagine if I dated an unemployed 43-year-old??? That would literally be rock bottom for me.
Our conversation lasted about a thousand hours. At some point it came up that I'm a writer and have had stories published. He was like, "Oh, I've been writing a lot lately! Do you think I could get my writing published too?" and I was like "Yeah... probably not" and then he called me a "ball-buster." He thought he was being so flirty and adorable. He also somehow managed to bring up how much he loves animals, which I found utterly charming j/k I don't give a fuck. Then he asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him because I'm dumb and never know how to get myself out of that one. He said, "I always wanted to ask you out" and I said "Today's your lucky day!" but it wasn't. It wasn't Ben's lucky day. It was no one's lucky day.
Then Ben didn't text me for a million years and I was kind of pissed off about it. I wanted him to text me just so I could have the satisfaction of not responding to his dumb date request. Then I was stoned with Erin last Sunday and received the excessively-long first text seen above. My favorite part of that text is when he writes "me past." I texted him back "what sister?" because I was confused and thought maybe he knew my actual sister. The blacked (pinked)-out words are the name of a girl I used to work with at Starbucks.
The last four texts he sent were spaced about a minute apart. They made Erin and I laugh very hard. "I can't believe that an actual man in Toronto is sitting in his apartment at this very moment, writing me this bullshit!" I said. His bitchy last text was the icing on the cake- get a grip, Ben! It made me feel like maybe he was lying and there was no girl from "he past" that he "resparked" something with. I think maybe he was just trying to pique my interest by making it seem like he's unattainable and/or coveted. I don't know. I don't care. Maybe he's just retarded.... could go either way I guess.