Our Favorite Witches in Rock & Roll, Cinema, Books & Real Life

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (FROM JEN MAY & ELIZABETH BARKER)

i. MARY TIMONY (LIZ)

One of my favorite Mary Timony songs lately is "I'm a Witch," from the Superball EP by Helium; it contains the line "Did I tell you I'm not your bitch on loan?" which is a lyric that used to mean a lot to me and sometimes still does. After that line Mary sings the words "I'm a witch, an ugly hag, a crone" and part of me's like "LIAR, you're the prettiest girl in the world!", but I'm also into it. Superball/The Dirt of Luck-era Mary Timony is Mary Timony at her witchiest: she sings about skies and moons and dead things and black lakes and Satan and stars, always sounding like she's casting spells. She's neither a good witch nor a bad witch; she's just the dreamiest witch of all.

ii. CHER IN THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (JEN)

I don’t completely love The Witches of Eastwick, but I do love Cher. I wish The Witches of Eastwick could be a different movie without Jack Nicholson. It would be amazing. Still, we must accept the reality of the situation and just appreciate what we have here – a movie where Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon are witches together. Yes, we have to sit through all the repulsive Jack sex stuff (I really can’t stand him), but we also get that scene where the witches are literally standing over a cauldron together and sticking pins into a voodoo doll of Gross Jack. Thank you pre-Christian goddesses for granting me this.  It’s also worth mentioning that for a brief period of time Cher wears my ideal outfit in this movie. If I had these pants I would wear this everyday.

iii. POLLY HARVEY ON IS THIS DESIRE? (LIZ)

Is This Desire? is the witchiest PJ Harvey record, and "Catherine" is the witchiest song on Is This Desire?

My favorite place to listen to it is this road that leads from the woods to the ocean in a town called Avila Beach, on the Central Coast of California. One time I was there early in the morning in late October and the light was creepy-blue and the trees were bare and there were so many spiderwebs spun between the branches. I walked up a big hill and thought of some story Polly Harvey told in a magazine once, about being a girl and wandering through the hillsides in Dorset or wherever and happening upon the remnants of some satanic ritual. I feel like there was a dead goat in her story, but I might be making that up. I hope there was a dead goat.  

iv. THE WITCH ON THE COVER OF BLACK SABBATH (JEN)

The album cover to Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath is hauntingly beautiful. It’s kind of perfect. It is so scary! It is so lovely! OK, so it’s not 100% certain that the figure on the cover is a witch, but…come on. It is. If you play the song “Black Sabbath” from Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath you invoke that witch and she gets you super stoned.

v. THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST (LIZ)

When I was little I used to have this Disneyland Records album at my dad's house; it was songs from The Wizard of Oz and the Wicked Witch of the West sang a song called "Just Call Smarmy" and it fucking terrified me: if it ever came on when my dad wasn't in the room, I had to run into the next room and wait till I knew it was over. The Wicked Witch of the West was the scariest thing for the first six or seven years of my life, but the Wicked Witch of the East was chill -- she was just dead, stuck under Dorothy's house, with her cute tights and beautiful shoes. Freshman year of college I used to wear those tights with a black crushed-velvet babydoll dress, and some blackish-red Wet 'n' Wild lipstick. Also we listened to a lot of Poe and a lot of Suzanne Vega, especially "Marlene on the Wall." 

vi. STEVIE NICKS (JEN)

She counts...right? I mean, DUH.

vii. JOAN COLLINS IN THE FAERIE TALE THEATRE PRODUCTION OF HANSEL & GRETEL (LIZ)

I don't get the witch from Hansel & Gretel, why she'd want to eat kids when she lives in a house made of beautiful candy and cake and cookies. If I were the Hansel & Gretel witch I'd just eat my own house, and then build a new house, and eat that house too, and go on building and eating my own house forever and ever, deep in the heart of the enchanted forest. But if there's going to have to be a witch who lives in a candy house and eats children instead of candy, in 1983, then that witch should absolutely be played by Joan Collins.  

viii. SUSPIRIA (JEN)

Admittedly, the actual witches in Suspiria are one of the least cool parts of the movie. The soundtrack and set design are where it’s at. They count, totally, as witches to me, like how landscape can be a character in boring westerns. The set and lighting are gorgeous. It’s a non-stop-totally-over-the-top-70’s-deco-fabulous-spooky-blow-out. I could look at Suspiria forever. Picking just one image to use for this was nearly impossible. The soundtrack by Goblin is just as fantastic. Throughout the film there is a repeated whisper of, “Witches!”, which I love. It’s also worth watching this Russian Sychronized Swimming Duet performing to the Goblin soundtrack. Seriously! I guess I should mention this is a movie is about a dance school run by witches. WITCHES! 

ix. THE SECRET GHOST-WITCHES OF LOS ANGELES (LIZ)

I took this picture on Sunday afternoon. I like how the secret ghost-witches look like they're in a meadow, when really they're just hanging out on the lawn of some rich people's house near the beach in Santa Monica.

x. REAL WITCH THAT OWNS A BOTANICAL STORE IN SALEM, MA (JEN)

Salem, MA, is a magical place filled with real witches, poser witches and Wiccans. I love them all with all my heart. I was in a real deal botanical store there recently and I totally eavesdropped on this real deal witch giving advice. I guess it probably doesn’t count as eavesdropping since she’s a witch she definitely knew I was listening, right? I was probably more of a silent participant in the conversation. ANYWAY, this woman came in looking for advice. She has a lot of negative elements in her life right now– negative people in particular. What should she do? The witch was so sweet and comforting. First and foremost this woman needed to let toxic relationships go. They are harmful and destructive; do not hold on to them. Really good advice! She also said, obviously, do a sage smudge pronto. Duh. Got it. Additionally, integrate lavender into your life in a major way. Lavender keeps negativity out, it does not allow it to enter us. Lavender baths are a good idea, also just dabbing some lavender oil on your body all the time. I love this advice and this woman. Additionally, I’d like to personally recommend burning a black protection candle if you find yourself struggling with life’s toxicity.

xi. THE WITCH FROM "WITCH" BY BELLY (LIZ)

"Witch" by Belly actually isn't a very witchy song; it's got slide guitar and slide guitar is one of the least witchy instruments you could ask for. But it's a lovely little lark, and the part where Tanya sings "You know the one, she lies all lit up" is so dreamy and pretty and cool.

The witchiest Belly song is probably "Low Red Moon," with the spooky organ and spooky guitar and spooky lyrics like A shining night with shining eyes that shines around me brightly. When I first got Star I had it on tape and "Low Red Moon" was the last song on the first side. I liked how it sounded like the ending of something, how it was so dark and tragic, and then you flip the tape over and "Feed the Tree" sounds like a beginning -- but then it's not because "feeding the tree" means dying. Star is so intensely bright and dark and its existence has always sort of surprised me, since it sounds so much like a record that was made for me and me only.

xii. "YES, I AM A WITCH" BY YOKO ONO (JEN)

Witches heal. Yoko Heals. She’s a witch. I’m a witch. I love this song and feel like it really speaks for it’s self. Here are the opening lyrics:

Yes, I'm a witch,
I’m a bitch
I don't care what you say,
My voice is real.
My voice speaks truth,
I don't fit in your ways.

I'm not gonna die for you,
You might as well face the truth,
I'm gonna stick around for quite awhile.

Thank you, Yoko.

xiii. STREGA NONA (LIZ)

Strega Nona is my favorite storybook witch. She's from Strega Nona by Tomie dePaola, she's a witch doctor with a magic cauldron that can make oceans and oceans of spaghetti. In the story Strega Nona hires a dumb boy named Big Anthony to be her assistant, and one day when she's away Big Anthony messes with the cauldron and ends up flooding the whole village with pasta. But then Strega Nona comes back and says a magic spell and the cauldron stops churning out spaghetti, and Strega Nona gives Big Anthony a fork and tells him to clean up the village by eating all the pasta. Which he does, and gets very fat:

Poor Big Anthony! I'd like to eat an entire village of spaghetti. My two favorite things in the world are (1) food and (2) stories with food in them.

xiv. SARAH'S MOM FROM THE CRAFT (JEN)

While in Salem, MA I watched The Craft in the dark on a MacBook. It’s not like we really had a choice – that had to happen. The first time the photograph of Sarah’s mom came on the screen I had this really intense overwhleming feeling. I was completely consumed by this weird feeling. I realized that this image is seared into my brain. It’s in my subconscious and I think of it often without knowing what I’m thinking of, you know? Anyway, what does this mean? I have no idea. I mean, I watched The Craft obsessively like every normal pre-teen/baby teen in the late 90’s. Sarah’s mom had never really registered to me – I didn’t care. But I guess I did! HUGELY. Seriously, what does it mean that I have an image of Sarah’s mom from The Craft in the back of my mind at all times?

I can’t find the image online. NOT EVEN ON THE CRAFT WIKI!!!!!

On the car ride home we listened to Helium’s The Magic City because, duh. When Mary sang “Tell me why the sky is full of birds/what is coming - have you heard?”, I shared with the car that I think about those lyrics at least once a day. Welcome to my brain.

xv. MIRA FROM WHITE MAGIC (LIZ)

There's an interview with Mira Billotte in the latest issue of L.A. Record and in the picture she's wearing these pants:

which I'm into. I'd like for White Magic to make tons more music and I'd also like to find my copy of Through the Sun Door, then listen to "Apocalypse" a thousand times today and tomorrow:

I think Mira might legit-idenfity as a witch but I might be making that up, like the thing about Polly Harvey and the goat. In the L.A. Record article it says how Mira makes her own cashew butter, which I think is a really ace skill for a modern-day witch to have. I'd eat cashew butter all the time, if it was made by witches from sexy dream-folk bands.

xvi. US, WITH OR WITHOUT OUR COFFEE

It's true! Trick or treat, give us coffee! And also candy. Please give us all the candy.