The 16 Most Beautiful Moments in the History of Jeff Goldblum

BY JEN MAY & ELIZABETH BARKER

Today is the sixtieth birthday of Jeff Goldblum, also known as The Most Beautiful Man Who Has Ever Existed And Will Ever Exist As Long As The Earth Is Turning. Here is our amazing compilation of what we perceive to be The Most Beautiful Moments in the History of Jeff Goldblum, presented with the caveat that what's listed here is but a tiny sampling of Beautiful Moments, since everything Jeff Goldblum ever does is so deeply beautiful.

i. JEFF IN ANNIE HALL (JEN)

The 3 seconds that Jeff Goldblum is in Annie Hall are the best seconds of the movie. OK, that’s definitely not true but it is really exciting and Jeff manages to steal the show! It's definitely the best part of the party at Paul Simon’s scene. 100%. The second best part of that scene is when Alvy says, "I'm into garbage. It's my thing." 

ii. MEETING JEFF (JEN)

You read this blog so you know what Goldblum Night is right? If not, it's watching a Jeff Goldblum movie more or less once a week forever or until we've seen them all. His IMDB used to say he was an actor in 100 titles, which was really great for us. When people would say, "How many movies is Jeff Goldblum even in?", we could say "100. Exactly." Now IMDB says he's in 99 which I am less into, but I'll deal. This year Jeff did a BROADWAY PLAY called Seminar. Clearly we had to go. The play was good. Not phenomenal, but solidly good. Watching Jeff's mannerisms in person (crazy eyes, face rub, exaggerated hand movements, finger pointing) was a treat. As soon as the play ended an usher came up to us and was like "You know you girls can meet him right?" I guess she could tell we were psyched out of our minds to be in the same building, breathing the same air, as Jeff Goldblum. The problem was we all really had to whiz. The line was so long. We had no choice but to wait because seriously we all had to pee so badly. I became despondent on the line because I felt like our bladders were keeping us from Jeff and when were we ever going to get a  chance to meet Jeff again? We whizzed. We went outside and there was still a huge crowd waiting. We asked these women in front of us who had a Long Island Mom/Girl's Night Out thing going on if Jeff had come out yet – HE HADN'T.

           

Eventually he appears! He’s so tall!!!!!!! We make a deal with the Moms in front of us that if we take their picture with Jeff, they'll take ours. They go first. It's our turn and then other people start totally cutting us! We're freaking out because Jeff is standing there and what can we do!? The moms tell us to hold up our Playbills. We do. It works. We bombard Jeff immediately telling him/screaming out how we have Goldblum Night every week! We watch your movies! We eat snacks!!!!!!!!!! Jeff is so into this. He's Goldblum so he's a total perv and starts saying in a weird sexy way, "What is this night? Oh wow I wish I could come." He starts miming eating snacks. Someone screams that we just watched him on Glee. He says, "That's a purple shirt!" He asks if we're actresses and in a really dramatic way I say "NO! WE'RE ARTISTS!" and he's like, "Oh of course, I should have known." Flirt flirt flirt, JEFF GOLDBLUM IS FLIRTING WITH US. One of the only other things I can remember saying is "This is the Ultimate Goldblum Night." I think I said it 5 times. I touched his chest weirdly. His security guard guy starts telling him he has to go and he's so bummed because he wants to stay forever with gals in their mid to late twenties who are ecstatically in love with him. We start to leave and then Joan remembers she wanted to measure her hand to his. We turn around to measure hands. The thought was he's so tall- his hands must be huge! They weren't. They were not much bigger than Joan's even though he was trying to be cute and pull his hand down low so it looked like they are the same size. The security guard gets his way and pulls us apart even though we're all in love and dating at this point. Jeff was wearing a scarf and winter jacket and hoodie and it was about 68 degrees. I love him.

iii. JEFF ON LAVERNE & SHIRLEY IN 1982 (LIZ)

There are so many extraordinary things happening in this video, but here are the extraordinary things I love the most:

-Jeff Goldblum's legs
-Jeff Goldblum's hair
-Jeff Goldblum's skin
-the danseur-esque gracefulness with which Jeff Goldblum moves at every moment
-when Jeff Goldblum speaks French
-when Laverne addresses Jeff Goldblum as "Gorgeous Jeff"
-that Beatles cutout thing in the background
-how Jeff Goldblum looks like a teenager but is actually 30
-everything else about Jeff Golblum

Also, "I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for mistaking passion for violence" is such an odd piece of dialogue for a Laverne & Shirley episode. Oh and if we ever hang out, remind me to tell you the story about the time I got into a car accident with Carmine from Laverne & Shirley (aka The Big Ragu). It's one of my best.

iv. JEFF IN EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY (JEN)

The most beautiful scene in all of cinematic history is in Earth Girls Are Easy when Jeff gets a make over from being a giant alien with blue fur to being the biggest most babely babe that has ever lived. He emerges slowly from this orb that is radiating gorgeous white light. This is actually what heaven looks like.

v. JEFF EXPLAINING CHAOS THEORY TO LAURA DERN IN JURASSIC PARK (LIZ)

I first fell in love with Jeff via Earth Girls Are Easy, which came out when I was 10. No one understood my Jeff love and that made me feel alone but in a special way, which is still how I feel when people lack the refinement to understand my Jeff love today. (One time last year, for instance, I was in a car full of people pretty late at night, talking about Jeff Goldblum and how he's so beautiful, and my friends all made fun of me and nicknamed me "Creepy Bones," which is absolutely cool with me.) Anyway Jurassic Park was my next Jeff movie after Earth Girls Are Easy and I'm not too into his look (his hair's seriously struggling), but I love when he plays drums on his knees and then explains chaos theory to Laura Dern. I love how he tugs on her hair and tells her to hold her hand "flat like a hieroglyph," and I love his bit about talking to himself alone in the Jeep. "Rock-star mathematician" is such a good job for Jeff Goldblum.

vi. JEFF AS JESUS (JEN)

Have you ever seen A Dog, a Fish, a Cat and a Wish? Probably not because it's not a real movie. At Goldblum Night we started referring to the movie A Favor, a Watch and a Very Big Fish as A Dog, a Fish, a Cat and a Wish because it's a better name and we could never remember the real one. If you haven't seen Jeff Goldblum as Jesus Christ, you haven't seen Jesus adequately portrayed. To be clear, Jeff isn't actually playing Jesus Christ. He's playing a guy who is photographed by a photographer of religious devotional imagery (Bob Hoskins!). He's the image of Jesus. He looks amazing. He walks around and people totally freak out thinking he's God’s son (or whatever). I want to talk about Jeff being Christ-like in real life but honestly I don’t think it's really applicable.

vii. THE TIME I SAW HIM AT A PARTY IN PACIFIC PALISADES (LIZ)

One night in 2006 I went to a party at some famous person's house and Jeff Goldblum was there and I died. He was wearing supertight black jeans and some sort of blazer situation and also sunglasses, even though it was dark out. My friend Rachel and I were standing on the patio, drinking our champagne, and Jeff Goldblum walked past us and I whispered to Rachel something about "Oh my god Jeff Goldblum Jeff Goldblum, I love Jeff Goldblum I've loved Jeff Goldblum my whole entire life, oh my god Rachel I'm dying" -- and then I ran away, far away, into another room, a room that did not have Jeff Goldblum in it. It was just too much, to be that close to Jeff Goldblum but not making out with him. I just had to leave.

UPDATE: A couple weeks ago I had a dream that late-'80s Jeff and I went on a date and he was really into hockey and I bought him a special beer "for hockey-lovers only." He was wearing a yellow hockey jersey and looked better than any hockey-jersey-wearing man has ever looked in the history of the world, and for some reason we had to take my family's dog to the groomer's. So we took the dog to the groomer's and went on a big walk and sat on a bench in the woods for a long time, talking about hockey. And then we went home to my place, to drink hockey beer and make out. And I was unlocking my front door, thinking "OH MY GOD JEFF GOLDBLUM MAKEOUT TIME AT LAST, YAY" and I was so happy and we were so in love. But then this thing happened where I couldn't get the door open, and a weird beep started beeping in my ear, and in my dream I looked down at my phone and guess what the beep was; it was my alarm going off, I never even got to kiss Jeff Goldblum at all :( :( :( 

viii. THE COFFEE SCENE IN THE FLY (JEN)

The Fly is gross. It may seem weird to be including The Fly in Jeff’s Beautiful Moments since he looks absolutely hideous in half of the movie and has an unfortunate haircut the rest of the time. There are some moments of real beauty and clarity here though, and of those moments is the coffee scene. Jeff is beginning to turn into a fly. He is totally hyped up and maniacally pouring sugar into his coffee, and talking fast in a freak-out crescendo. This is genius casting! Jeff's crazy eyes and wildly flailing hands found their perfect use. Jeff Goldblum's adorably strange mannerisms are peaking on sugar and being a fly. He's straddling this weird middle ground between physical comedy and body horror and Jeff nails it!! It's funny and it's majestic and it's also disgusting. 

ix. THE CONCEPT OF JEFF'S MOVIES WITH AMAZING WOMEN WHOSE MUSIC I LOVE (JEN)

When I saw that Jeff Goldblum was in a movie with Cyndi Lauper called Vibes in which they are both psychics and she is a PSYCHIC HAIRDRESSER it seemed clear that this would be my favorite movie of all time. His disco movie with Donna Summer called Thank God It's Friday also featuring the Commadores? That'd be my second. Unfortunately as movies they are both pretty disappointing. As concepts? Fabulous. Vibes is conceptually my favorite movie. I was more into TGIF but Jeff and Donna Summer never dance together so, really, what is the point? Something I've learned watching every Jeff Goldblum movie ever is that he's an awful dancer. He just cannot do it. I guess he's too tall? It's charming.

x. JEFF AS THE BIG BAD WOLF IN THE FAERIE TALE THEATRE ADAPTATION OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS (LIZ)

When I was little we'd go to Cape Cod every summer and rent a beach house in Falmouth Heights, where the beach had a little boardwalk with a penny-candy store next to a bar that used to be a casino (I think?). One of my favorite thing was to go to the penny candy store and get a bag of Swedish fish, which taste extra-good when your hands are all salty from swimming in the ocean all day. One of my other favorite things was renting movies from the video store inside the Stop & Shop, and getting chocolate-covered Oreos from the Stop & Shop, and putting the chocolate-covered Oreos in the freezer and eating them later while watching movies. I liked to watch Faerie Tale Theatre at the Cape and one of the best episodes was The Three Little Pigs, starring Jeff Goldblum as The Big Bad Wolf. I didn't know who Jeff Goldblum was back then but he was still cool to me -- he shows up at 1:45 of the video up above and I love how chill he is about about blowing the house down. It's also so delightful when he says "I'm king of the cave, babe." I hope he uses that line in everyday life.

xi. JEFF ON THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (JEN)        

When Jeff Goldblum showed up in an episode of the Larry Sanders Show it was a dream come true for me. Jeff is in 2 episodes (which makes me think him and Garry genuinely like each other which is probably insane) and they're great. In the first episods he is the sweetest guy on Earth. An angel. He totally hooks Larry up with a date in this cute/sneaky way and he plays piano. When he walks down the hall with Janeane Garafalo it looks so amazing since he is approximately 30 feet taller than her. The second time he's on the show he has a little more of the classic Jeff pervy thing going on and he steals Larry’s girlfriend. That's so Jeff. To be fair Jeff and Gina Gershon used to date, so what can you do. Also to be really fair I think they're all really open about it. Again, he's an angel.

A side note highlight from the 1^st Jeff episode is when Hank says to Jeff, "Jurrassic Park changed my life." God, that show is good. This paragraph is not doing it justice. I'm sorry.

PS Jeff on any real talk show is bizarre, amazing, hilarious and truly something to behold. Just FYI. 

xii. JEFF IN IGBY GOES DOWN (LIZ)

I've been thinking about Igby Goes Down a lot lately. I think about Sookie Sapperstein and her ice cream sundaes and her mom who teaches metaphysical poetry, and her good hair and the weird and haughty way she speaks, and all the weird and haughty things she says, things like "Whenever I'm at a loss, I dip into Rilke." I wonder what became of Sookie, and of Igby, after he flew away to California. I hope he found his sunny day.

Jeff/D.H. is the villain of Igby Goes Down but I'm into him, because he's Jeff. He's such a goddamn weirdo and I'm into it -- I'm into his over-the-topness and his many silk ascots and how he's always going "Igby! Igby, my boy, my boy!" He totally nails that "malevolent exuberance" thing and I'm into that too. I'm so into you, Jeff.

 xiii. THIS ONE TIME I THOUGHT FRANK SINATRA WAS JEFF (JEN)

I was in a senior in high school seeing Matt Sharp play a solo show in the Big City because I was way cool (not true). Maya Ruldoph was there and sang a few songs with Matt and accidentally said "god, I'm drunk" (or something) into the microphone when she meant to whisper it to Matt. It was adorable. All this is taking place at the Cutting Room which is (was?) owned by Mr. Big from SATC. There were these paintings of "Classic Celebs" everywhere and I said to my friend Freddie, "It's so weird that there is a painting of Jeff Goldblum in the mix." And he was like, "What, where?" and I pointed to the Jeff Goldblum painting and he said it was actually Frank Sinatra and I felt really dumb. Imagine how much cooler it would have been if Mr. Big had a painting of Jeff Goldblum hanging up? After the show we hung out and got sodas, if you can believe it. Freddie made a joke about Mr Big being shitty (I think the joke was actually "More like Mr. Small…"), and the waitress said our sodas were on the house.

xiv. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (JEN)

I think it’s really beautiful that Jeff is in this movie. I love this movie. The casting combo of Leonard Nimoy, Donald Sutherland and Jeff is almost too much for me.

xv. ANYTIME JEFF EVER TALKS ABOUT FOOD (LIZ)

I was going to write something about The Life Aquatic but I don't like that movie and I blocked it out and couldn't bring myself to watch it again. So instead here's a little video* with Jeff talking about My Favorite Sandwiches and being a big weirdo about it:

Also I like this Conan interview where he's talking about My Favorite Fruits and says "I love the simple, beautiful peach, especially when it's ripe and fuzzy and delicious. I like the peach pie." And when we were getting ready to post this post Jen sent me a link to a new Los Angeles magazine article in which Jeff lists his favorite L.A. places, including Cafe Gratitude, which I just went to for the first time over the weekend, which probably means Jeff wants to take me on a date there in the very near future. Cafe Gratitude's this health-food place where all the menu items are affirmations and I hope Jeff will order the I Am Magical, with an I Am Opulent to drink and maybe a dessert of I Am Irresistible. I will order either the I Am Elated or the I Am Fulfilled.

*This video starts getting dumb at 0:20 and then gets really dumb at 0:32; I'm offended by its dumbness and just wanted to "put that out there."

xvi. JEFF ON LAW & ORDER CRIMINAL INTENT (JEN)

Watching Jeff on Law & Order Criminal Intent is so fun. It's perfect to watch at the Goldblum Nights you start having after you finish reading this post.

Reasons this is so perfect to watch while snacking with pals:

1. You don't really have to pay attention because it's Law & Order so it's like, whatever, totally tell us about this thing that person said and then OH MY GOD LOOK JEFF IS HOLDING A BAGEL!!!!!!

2. Jeff's hair is dyed brown. I think that he started going gray and wasn't ready to be old- I'm so glad he got over this. Jeff is one of the most stylish, handsome old guys around. The phrase "silver fox" comes to mind. Anyway, in the show he has Box Brown hair with weird highlights.

3. Much like Fox Mulder, Jeff knows everything and solves all crimes really quickly with almost no evidence, it just takes the remaining 40 minutes of the show to prove he's right to everyone else.

4. Jeff's signature move on L&O is staring at someone for close to an entire minute in silence. It's so cool and really Goldblumy.

5. He wears a lot of scarves which I'm sure is his own personal touch. Sometimes he wears cool jeans.