BY ELIZABETH BARKER & LAURA JANE FAULDS
P.S. If Ben Affleck were a Beatles song, he'd be "A Hard Day's Night."
HERE COMES THE BEN
We consider the possibility of doing a list of our favorite non-music things from 2012, such as movies and other pop-culture events.
LJ: Are you gonna write about Argo?
LIZ: No, probably not. Did you see Argo?
LJ: Yeah, I loved Argo. I think about Argo every day. Literally, I never stop thinking about Argo. Maybe in like five years we can blog about Argo.
LIZ: That would be very us, to blog about Argo in 2017.
[Both laugh for about nine hours]
LJ: That's so happening. Here's our favorite Argo moments, five years after the movie came out.
LJ: I feel like I wanna write about Paul McCartney. Or maybe I'll just write about John, Paul, George, and then Argo.
LIZ: Oh my god! JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE AND ARGO!
[More laughing, for nine more hours]
LIZ: That's so good. That's, like, my favorite thing. I want someone to make the Let It Be cover with Argo Ben Affleck instead of Ringo.
LJ: I'm just gonna do that. I'm just gonna Photoshop that and not write a single word.
LIZ: Do it.
LJ: I'm gonna Tweet "John, Paul, George, and Argo" now. Probably nobody will favorite it. But I bet Ben would like it.
LIZ: Ben who? My friend Ben?
LJ: No, Ben Affleck.
LIZ: Oh. Right.
I SAW BEN STANDING THERE
Liz starts to talk about what she's going to include on her "Best of 2012" list.
LJ: No, wait, let's just talk about Argo for a few seconds. Do you feel like Ben Affleck in Argo is the best Ben Affleck ever looked?
LIZ [after thinking for years]: Yeah. Yeah, probably.
LJ: Me too.
LIZ: But I feel like I'm biased because of his hair. Like, obviously I'm going to like him more with that hair than in anything where he doesn't have that hair.
LJ: Yeah, that's true. I love Ben Affleck in Argo.
LIZ: God, we should totally post about our favorite Ben Afflecks.
LJ: Yeah, we should. Our blog is so weirdly much about Ben Affleck, for a music blog. It's not even something that we've really ever talked about. It's just this quiet, unspoken thing.
LIZ: My favorite Ben Affleck, apart from Argo Ben Affleck, is the part in Good Will Hunting where he has that big speech toward the end --
LJ: OH MY GOD I KNOW
LIZ: When he's like [speaking in shamefully inaccurate Boston accent] "I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and I'm gonna be 50."
LJ: Oh, wait, no, I thought you meant when he's in the office pretending to be Will. I might even love that Ben Affleck more than Argo Ben Affleck. Wait, what does he look like in the part you're talking about?
LIZ: He's got like, dirt on his face and he's smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. And he looks really, like, slim.
LJ: I like how his weight fluctuates.
LIZ: Yes. Just one of the many wonderful things about Ben Affleck.
BABY YOU'RE A RICH BEN
Liz gives an LJ a progress report on sticker-ordering for Strawberry Fields Whatever.
LIZ: I researched stickers and I got a quote from some company but then I realized that the quote was for stickers that aren't suitable for outdoor use, which is stupid, and then I forgot to get a new quote. So I don't know much about stickers at this point, is what I'm trying to tell you. I really wish we had a benefactor who'd just buy us stickers.
LJ: Yeah, right. And tote bags.
LIZ: I wish Ben Affleck would be our benefactor.
LJ: Yeah, he would love us.
LIZ: He would! He so would!
(Note: Jen May made this picture)
AND BEN LOVES HER
LJ: Ben Affleck probably knows every Beatles song. I feel like he's that kind of person.
LIZ: Why does he have to be married to Jennifer Garner?
LJ: But he makes me love Jennifer Garner for being married to him. And their daughter's so cute and named Violet and has glasses. I love Violet Affleck.
LIZ: I haven't seen her in a while. I'm gonna look her up right now.
LJ: Me too. I mean, I'm not gonna not look up Violet Affleck.
[Liz and LJ begin furiously Google-image-searching Violet Affleck]
LJ: Oh, Violet Affleck is the cutest. Sorry, I'm just really distracted by Violet Affleck being adorable. It's so obvious that Ben Affleck is the best father ever.
LIZ: Oh my god, I found a really cute one where she has a thing of frozen yogurt or something. Wait, I'm gonna post it to your Facebook.
LJ: Oh, great call!
[Liz and LJ each post a Violet Affleck photo to the other's Facebook wall]
LJ: Did you actually upload yours to your computer instead of just posting the link?
LIZ: Yup. I took that extra step.
LJ: That's so Paul of you.
LIZ: Yeah. I'm so Paul about posting my Violet Affleck photos to Facebook.
LJ: Do you think that Ben Affleck and Paul McCartney have ever met? I'm just gonna Google their names together and see what happens.
LJ: No. They haven't.
At this point we just sort of Googled-image-search Ben Affleck for a really long time, sharing and discussing the results as we go.
LJ: God, I love Ben Affleck in Argo. He's so hot. Oh wow, there's this really fat picture of Ben Affleck I just found. And the tagline is "Ben Affleck Denies Losing $400,000 While Gambling."
LIZ: Whoa, what?
LJ: Hold on, I'll post it.
[A flurry of Facebook sharing of Ben Affleck photos commences.]
LJ: There's so much stuff happening right now.
LIZ: It's a little overwhelming. I'm a little overwhelmed.
[LJ posts the photo seen below]
LIZ: Good look, Ben. Good look.
LJ: So Rubber Soul!
LIZ: That's such a weird one, the one where he has the good outfit and the two girls. The look on his face is so strange and who's that woman? Maybe it's his mom.
LJ: I feel like it's probably Jennifer Garner's mom. He looks so good, though.
LIZ: Oh, I like the fat one [i.e., "Ben Affleck Denies Losing $400,000 While Gambling," below].
LJ: Well, yeah.
LIZ: He looks good fat.
LJ: I know, he does, you're right. Oh, I love the fat one. I'm just gonna Google "Fat Ben Affleck" and then I should probably go. [pause] Oh my god, he's such a good father.
LIZ: Wow, a lot comes up when you Google "Fat Ben Affleck."
LJ: But he's not really fat in most of them.
LJ: He's my favorite Leo ever.
LIZ: When's his birthday?
LJ: August 15, 1972. He's Friedberger's year. What a weird year for people being born. Anytime I have a positive thought about Friedberger I'm gonna think "Way to accomplish nothing compared to Ben Affleck."
LIZ: I feel like that's how I feel about almost everyone in the world: way to accomplish nothing compared to Ben Affleck.
LJ: His middle name is Geza. And his last name's actually Affleck-Boldt.
LIZ: WHAT? WHAT?
LJ: I'm gonna Tweet just his name.
[LJ tweets Ben Affleck's full name while Liz tweets the thing about nobody accomplishing anything compared to Ben Affleck]
LJ: This is my favorite Tweet I've ever Tweeted. His name is so beautiful.
LIZ: Wow, yeah. That's, like, blowing my mind.
LJ: I'm gonna screencap how beautiful our two Tweets look together, so I'll never forget this Sunday night in 2012.
ONLY A NORTHERN BEN
We make the brilliant decision to turn our teleconference transcript into the last big SFW post of the year, scheduling it for December 20.
LIZ: I'm going home for Christmas that day, so that's nice.
LJ: So maybe you'll run into Ben Affleck in Boston! You're so lucky to be from the same place as Ben Affleck.
LIZ: I know, I know.
LIZ: I know, I know.
LJ: But I know you don't take it for granted.
LIZ: Nope. No way.
LJ: So that's cool of you.
LJ: Where does he live?
LIZ: I feel like he lives in L.A.
[Liz and LJ each Google "where does ben affleck live"]
LJ: My fourth result for "where does ben affleck live" is "Ben Affleck Reveals What's Aggravating About Wife Jennifer Garner."
LIZ: Is it that she's not Elizabeth Barker and Laura Jane Faulds?
LJ: No, eww, it's that she "truly is kind." [reading] “She means no one any harm. She doesn't have ill will for any person. She's not competitive with other people. She's not spiteful. It's one of those things where it becomes almost aggravating at times. Every time I go, 'Fuck him!' I see in her face that she just thinks that's petty and small."
LIZ: God, what a LOSER she is.
THE BALLAD OF BEN AND YOKO
WITHIN BEN WITHOUT BEN
LIZ: I just want it to be Ben Affleck Day already.
LJ: I know. I'm so over the Beatles compared to Ben Affleck. I feel kind of bad about how I don't care about Matt Damon but at the same time I don't care about Matt Damon.
LIZ: His hair is so bad now.
LJ: I know. Did you see those recent pictures of him where he's wearing glasses?
LJ: Hold on, let me find them for you.
LIZ: Oh yeah. Yeah, he looks awful. I like it even less than when he had that weird hair. His We Bought A Zoo hair.
LJ: I can't believe it. I hate when celebrities go through a really intense bout of aging like that. But I don't need Matt anymore, I have Ben.
WITHIN BEN WITHOUT BEN
LIZ: That's a good year-end wrap-up.
LJ: I think it's better than good -- it's an AMAZING year-end wrap-up.
LIZ: Our Year In Ben Affleck. Our Year In Ben Affleck and Violet Affleck. Our Year In Fat Ben Affleck.
LJ: Who cares about doing a good job at anything, compared to just making Ben Affleck jokes.
LJ: And that's exactly how we should look at 2013.
LIZ: I want Ben Affleck to see it.
LJ: I know, me too.
LIZ [whining]: BEN AFFLECK!
LJ: I just wanna hug Ben Affleck.
LIZ [whining again]: I KNOW! BEN AFFLECK!!!!!!!!!!
THE CONTINUING STORY OF BUNGALOW BEN
The Skype connection begins breaking up as Liz shouts the words "I BET BEN AFFLECK IS SO FUNNY!!!" over and over.
LJ: Are you talking to me?
LJ: What did you say?
LIZ: I said, "I BET BEN AFFLECK IS SO FUNNY!"
[LJ laughs at Liz]
LIZ: Seriously -- I bet he's so funny all the time!
LJ: Yeah, he's probably insanely hilarious and SUCH a good father!
GOT TO GET BEN INTO MY LIFE
Then we have a big conversation about "What if Paul McCartney lives longer than any other person in the history of the world has ever lived?", which is a beautiful prospect.
LJ: Customers comment on my tattoos a lot. Their new thing is everyone says that I should get Ringo's name tattooed as a ring.
LIZ: That's so dumb!
LJ: Imagine if I did? I should just do it. I had this one customer sing "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" to me. I had to just stand there being like, "Yeah, this is cool, I love it." You know who would never do that? Ben Affleck.
LET IT BEN
We start to wrap up Argocon and say our goodbyes.
LJ: Are we good?
LIZ: Yeah, I think so. I think we're REAL GOOD.
LJ: Yeah, I feel really re-centered, actually.
LIZ: Me too. I like everything so much right now.
LJ: But do you think Ben Affleck's actually really funny?
LIZ: YES. Do you not?
LJ: Yeah, probably. But he's not in comedies.
LIZ: But I bet he's, like, a really funny dude to just talk to.
LJ: So funny. So funny, you're right.
LJ: I should just get "Ben" tattooed as a ring. And people will ask me about getting a Ringo tattoo and I'll be like "Yeah -- I DID."