My New Year's Resolution, by Laura Jane

My New Year's Resolution is: BE A SHITTIER PERSON.

I started becoming a shittier person in the middle of 2012, when I made the Twitter-decision to stop responding to @ messages. I hate @ messages. I think they're so boring and stupid. Like this is Twitter you guys!!! Not AOL instant messenger. Plus, I like my Twitter page to look nice. I want people to come to it and think "Hahaha, she's a clever writer with an interesting take on life," not "I have no idea what to think of her, this looks like nothing," because it's just a big long ugly Internet scroll of "@stupidface yeah!" "@boringperson oh my god TOTALLY" "@obsessedwithmeloser as a matter of fact, i am," and so on and so forth. Giving myself permission to ignore all my @ messages was a very freeing thing for me. I used to get so anxious and nervous about ruining people's lives by not responding to their @ messages/texts/emails/etc. Like I would lie in bed having insomnia feeling guilty about it. But then I just decided that if you are honestly so fucking fragile that me not responding to one of your @ messages is going to cause you significant psychological distress, you should probably separate yourself from me. You can't handle this relationship. I am doing you a favor. 

Once I realized that the world didn't cave in upon itself and die because I didn't respond to one @ message, I got kind of hooked on not responding to shit. Fuck it, you know? I fucking hate everyone, and I'm fucking lazy. And also, I'm a writer. All I ever do is write words! All the time. If it's not a blog post it's a fucking short story. God! The last thing I want to do on top of everything else is engage in a Facebook conversation about fucking minutae with an acquaintance. 

In 2013 I would like to carry this whole deal a little further into serious unreliablility territory. I want everybody to get it through their heads that Laura Jane Faulds is an unreliable asshole who cannot be counted on for anything and accept it of me. I've spent my whole life resenting people who are perpetually late- I'm punctual as all hell, and It's always really bothered me how Late People have managed to swing such total bullshit, in life. Everyone's just like, "Oh, surprise surprise, Blah-blah-blah is late, classic Blah-blah-blah," and then you sit around looking at your phone waiting for stupid Blah-blah-blah to show up and then Blah-blah-blah bursts into the bar all poised and ready to boisterously tell you some stupid excuse about some thing that happened to her along the way and you're just like, "Ew, you're so annoying. Don't even bother. Let's move on." 


I want to be more like Blah-blah-blah. Probably not about lateness, though, because lateness is just stupid and unbearable and it generally means that you can't properly perceive time and space and that's embarrassing for you. Get it together. Figure out the times it takes for you to get to places and do things. Ew. Anyway, here is what I do want to do: 

-never respond to @ messages

-only favorite @ messages that I actually consider my 'favorites'

-ignore text messages

-ignore emails 

-ignore Facebook messages 

-not feel internalized pressure to comment on the things people post to my Facebook wall. I will only 'like' them

-ignore phone calls

-make loose plans with people and then never bother following up

-remorselessly cop out of plans I made if I don't feel like doing them anymore

-coldly end relationships by cutting off all communication with the other person, providing no explanation for my actions unless pressed for it

-never help anyone find weed ever again in my entire life, forever, ever again. I don't care if you're a stoner and you're freaking out because you don't have any weed and you know that I am a person who knows a lot of other stoners and can probably help you out. I refuse to play middle man in this situation. It's inconvenient for me. I am not texting any of my friends and forcing them to participate in this hellish little adventure you have put into motion. I don't care how much I love you. From now on, the answer to "Do you know where I can get any weed?" is always "No."

-blatantly zone out of conversations I think are boring instead of forcing myself to pretend that I don't want to fucking kill myself

-stand the fuck up for myself when people are saying shit that I disagree with instead of being passive and hating them in my head

-throw out the rotten food my hoarder roommate keeps in the fridge instead of leaving notes about it or doing nothing

-okay, so in 2012 i figured out my #1 pet peeve in the entire world. It's when people text you asking for the address of the place where you're meeting. You'll be like "yeah let's meet at 3speed" and then they text back "okay cool where is it" like do you even realize it's 2012 (/2013) and it's possible for you to check the Internet on the smartphone you're texting me from??? Isn't it obvious that I don't know the numbered addresses of places off the top of my head??? I literally know the numbered address of one place in the entire world: my own fucking home. I don't know the numbered address of my work, or either of my parents' houses, let alone a Thai restaurant twenty-five blocks away from me. God. To answer that question, I have to Google the place and then relay the information back to you. Why don't YOU Google the answer??? Cut out the fucking middle man. 

Even worse is when people ask you for DIRECTIONS. Honestly, guys. I'm just trying to live my life and be the best/shittiest Laura Jane I can. I don't have time to do all this Googling! Just search the name of the place + toronto to find out the address and then go to the directions part of Google Maps and type your own address next to where it says "A" in a green circle and then the address of the place next to where it says "B" in a green circle. Then click "Get Directions," and the website will tell you everything you need to know. It even gives you the option of car directions, walking directions, bike directions, or public transit directions! And if you click the public transit option it gives you THREE possible routes! Oh my God! Wow! It is so easy! 

In 2013, I am never doing anyone's Google Maps work for them again. I'm just going to write back "google it"- all lowercase, no punctuation- or else ignore the text. 

-start signing things "May all your pain be champagne, Laura Jane," which is unrelated to my becoming a shittier person. But I'm still very committed to doing it. 

May all your pain be champagne, 
Laura Jane