Thing of the Week: Chris Cosentino, Jack White & A Donut & Bobby from 'Twin Peaks,' Witchy Gifts

LJ'S THING OF THE WEEK: Chef Chris Cosentino

Earlier this week I got sick, which was not my Thing of the Week. As a matter of fact it was the opposite- my “non-Thing of the Week,” if you will. It was boring and I hated it. I lay on my couch for two days straight, to a point where when I went to go sleep in my bed at night I had weird shooting pains through my lower back because my spine had creepily molded itself to the shape of my couch. Anyway, the best part of being sick was that it enabled me to watch an entire season of Top Chef: Masters in a day. I wish I could watch an entire season of Top Chef: Masters every day. I wish that Bravo produced 365 seasons of Top Chef: Masters per year. Top Chef: Masters is a wonderful show; it’s the same as regular Top Chef only with more famous and accomplished chefs, cooler judges, and Curtis Stone instead of Padma Lakshmi. One of the cheftestants (yeah I went there) was Chris Cosentino, my new favorite person in the world. Spoiler alert: Chris Cosentino wins Top Chef: Masters. Sorry to spoil it for you. But it’s okay- I knew Chris Cosentino won Season 4 of Top Chef: Masters before I watched any of Top Chef: Masters because he was a guest judge on regular Top Chef a few episodes ago and they told us that he won Top Chef: Masters, and it didn’t spoil it for me at all. It just allowed me feel even more invested in Chris Cosentino’s meteoric rise to the top than I already would have.

Anyway, I fucking love Chris Cosentino. He is the best human being. I agree with every single thing he ever says and does. First things first: he has dimples. They give him an air of affability that I feel, I guess you could say, enslaved by. He has a stupid goatee, but I forgive it so hard because it’s balanced out by cool glasses, and he’s kinda old so probably doesn’t know any better because he came of age in the 1990s when goatees were actually cool and can never shake his aesthetic attachment to goatees. They show about ten billion pictures of young Chris Cosentino as a hoodlum with bleached hair per episode. He looks like a JNCO-wearer I would have had a crush on in high school. In high school he was voted Most Likely To Go To Prison but then he got a job as a busboy at IHOP and fell in love with cooking and turned his life around. True story. There’s a big chunk of episodes where Chris and Art Smith, Oprah’s annoying personal chef who recently lost 120 pounds and never shuts up about it and always cooks biscuits, have a little feud, and Art says “He’s a really aggressive kid.” I like that. I like aggressive kids. Then Art nicknames him “El Toro,” which makes me wonder if Chris Cosentino is a Taurus, which I hope he’s not. I want him to be a Cancer, like me. Earlier this week I @ messaged Chris Cosentino asking him his zodiac sign and he never replied to it. Dick move, Chris Cosentino. I’m not creepy.

On the penultimate episode of Top Chef: Masters, the cheftestants have to mentor two high school kids and help them cook a meal and Chris Cosentino’s relationship with the kids was really touching. He kept crying- total Cancer behavior. They made pork with hazelnuts, apples, and fennel because organic pigs are fed hazelnuts, apples and fennel, and he was really passionate about teaching these kids a “circle of life” lesson and I got so into it. Plus I think it’s super cute that pigs eat hazelnuts. Then on the finale he cried about how much he loves his wife like every five minutes and had to make a meal that was a love letter and he made beef heart tartare and he was like “It’s my heart on a plate for my wife,” so how’s that for the sweetheart/badass dichotomy in serious action? I now follow Chris Cosentino on Twitter and Instagram and check his Instagram constantly because he’s always posting beautiful pictures of his beautiful food. I am obsessed with wanting to eat at his restaurant Incanto. He is a genius artist. I like how his Twitter and Intagram handles are both “offalchris” because he cares so much about eating offals. What an amazing weirdo! 

LIZ'S THING OF THE WEEK: Jack White & A Coconut Donut & Bobby from Twin Peaks

I've watched this video 47 times this week -- it's from Under Great White Northern Lights, the part I mentioned in my White Stripes thing, the part where Jack yells at Meg for being quiet and then says quiet people got no reason to live: 



I'm jealous of Meg White. I wish I had a tall hotshot genius who'd follow me everywhere and yell at me all the time.

My other thing is the coconut passionfruit donut I got last Saturday at Fonuts. It's not nearly as wonderful as the campfire scone I got two Sundays ago at Short Cake (a smores scone, that is: chocolate + graham cracker scone with melted/nearly burnt marshmallow smothered across the top), but it was way dense and gooey and heaven nonetheless. And speaking of donuts, last night some people and I watched the first two episodes of Twin Peaks and I hadn't seen Twin Peaks since college (not counting the time I rewatched the pilot a few years ago when I was still living alone and then Bob came on and I spent most of the night lying awake waiting and waiting for Bob to murder me) and I'm so impressed by how good it looks and also by how Kyle MacLachlan is about 12-years-old. And I love Dana Ashbrook. Why didn't Dana Ashbrook become a big huge star? Look at him!



Jenn and I were also talking about how Leo's actually kind of weirdly hot. He looks like Gwen Stefani's husband, said Jenn. That is so true!

JEN'S THING OF THE WEEK: Witchy Gifts

On Monday my friend Tara sent me a link to these absolutely stunning tarot cards she was given as a gift. They are amazing. I became completely obsessed by them. I looked up images of Bea Nettles collage/photo work for 2 hours. I bought the deck. I needed them. I feel like they are my soul in photographic tarot card form. I also bought the $5 book of Bea's work because it was $5 and I am in love. These will be my first tarot cards. I feel like my already obsessive relationship with them will give me extra good vibes for reading them. I look forward to pulling a tarot card of the day and being like, "whoa, this is so beautiful" even if the card is kind of bummer news. 

THEN on Wednesday I received a gift from Regina, who historically gives the best gifts of all time. It was, OF COURSE, a framed photo of the image of Sarah's mom from The Craft (of Favorite Witches post fame). Also there are daisies glued all around the frame. I mean, really.