To Anthony On His 50th Birthday


This is Anthony. He turns 50-years-old today; he's been on this Earth for half a century now. I started loving him when I was 13, which is definitely one of the best decisions I ever made as a teenager/human being. Here are four things I'm going to do to celebrate Anthony's birthday:

i. NOT GO OUT WITH ANY NUMBSKULLS WHO ARE DUMB ABOUT MY LOVING THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS. Dudes who try to talk me out of loving the Red Hot Chili Peppers are my worst thing. It's crazy but it happens all the time -- the arrogance of that! The last one was a guy I dated over the summer; his main argument against the Red Hot Chili Peppers is Anthony takes his shirt off too much. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE IF ANTHONY TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF????", I should have shouted, and then flipped the table over at stupid Geisha House. That guy was smart and smart men have some idea that I should be too smart for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I'm not. The Red Hot Chili Peppers are so smart and I'm so smart too and we're all so smart together, in that fun chill way where you don't have to go around jerking yourself off on your own cleverness all the time.

But then dumb guys are dumb about my loving the Red Hot Chili Peppers too. There was this one a few years ago and when I told him the Red Hot Chili Peppers were my favorite band he was all, "Oh and you looooooove Anthony," teasing me, like he had me all figured out. I mean, yeah, I love Anthony, but not exactly for the reasons you'd think. I don't love him cuz he's jacked and a "sex god" or whatever, I don't even love him because he's troubled and tragic sometimes. I love him because he's a lover of life and he looks like a princess, or he did when he was younger at least, and he's endearingly vain and has cool/bonkers style and a really great lisp. And he's so fucking funny -- I feel really connected to his sense of humor and think we'd probably be best friends if we knew each other in this lifetime (me + Scorpios = deep, deep pals). Plus you can tell he's a moody motherfucker and that's kinda hot. Tempestuousness is all right by me.

ii. LISTEN TO THE TALKING HEADS. I picked that picture above because I found Anthony's look kind of exciting: a sleeveless Talking Heads shirt is such a good call. Anthony loves the Talking Heads; he inducted them into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and last night I watched his speech for the first time since it aired and it's so sweet. He says how one of the things that made him love the Talking Heads when he was 15 was that they made him feel smart. He also said how they made him want to have sex with a lot of librarians, which got big laughs, but I bet he was super-serious. One thing I treasure about Anthony is he's thoughtful about music and about how music changes you and elevates you. I started being really passionate about loving music when I started loving the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and being really passionate about music has shaped my life in a pretty major and positive way. So hey thanks, Anthony, I love you, you're cool.

iii. GO TO THE FARMERS MARKET/DO WHAT I LOVE FOREVER. Recently I started going to Farmers Market (the "original" Farmers Market, 3rd & Fairfax) about four times a week to work and/or write. Before sitting down to work and/or write I go to the coffee stand across from the donut place and get a big iced coffee; sometimes I also get a big Pink Lady apple from the fruit stand, or an ice cream or a Jam Crumble Bar, or -- if it's lunch time -- a giant bowl of tofu bibimbap. It's so good. Such good vibes at the original Farmers Market. Last week when I was there I saw Flea's ex-wife Frankie and their little daughter Sunny holding hands and that was really adorable. 

Farmers Market is the first place I ever saw Anthony around town, when he and his babymama serendipitously sat beside me and my friends at the community table near the restaurant where Anthony likes to get gumbo. I started going there in the first place because I'd read about eight zillion interviews in which the Red Hot Chili Peppers talk about how it's one of their favorite places in L.A. It's one of my favorite places now too, so it was smart of me to start going there all the time instead of just every few months or so. One of the best things I learned in 2012 is to not "save" good things for the moments when you feel like you've earned them -- you should just do the things that make you feel good all of the time. It's kinda like the part in Rushmore when Max says you have to find something you love and just do it forever. The intersection of Wes Anderson and Anthony is where I exist.

iv. LISTEN TO THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS. I know I'm getting out of balance when I haven't listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers in a long time, or even thought about listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. That hardly ever happens anymore, though --  I bet I hear at least one Red Hot Chili Peppers song a day, and it keeps me on my toes. Excepting a chunk of years in the mid- to late-'90s when I and they lost our respective ways, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have never made me feel worse about the world. They're my favorite band mainly because most of their songs sound really beautiful to me, they make me happy and sad and stoked about life, about being alive. They're also my favorite band because they think they're so fucking great and I'm way into that. They one thousand percent believe they were put on this Earth to do something wonderful, and they really try to fulfill that, and sometimes they succeed, and that means so much to me. I am so excited by people who try, and fuck up a lot, and keep going and going and going, and sometimes it all just works out so good.

I bet I'll listen to this song at least three times today:


  1. Re: Farmer's Market/Good things - also like how Agent Cooper says you should give yourself a gift everyday.

    1. true! coop is so good with the life advice

  2. I Love red hawt chilz peppers forever!